Love Your Enemy

Sometimes life is a struggle not because of a lack of money, education, or opportunity, but simply because our human relationships are in a mess.

The strange issue is that in a society where we can become highly educated with numerous letters to our name, we still lack the fundamental education of the heart. Take for example a work-frustrated MBA holder who is doing her ‘power walk' down the street with her suitcase and office attire. She focuses on a single point ahead and her brow is tightly furrowed. An old woman stops her and asks if she would like to buy some tissue. The executive wrinkles her nose and says, "I don't want your dirty tissue," then walks on with a huff.

A core reason human relationships suffer is because many people have not evolved to the point where they can appreciate other people's lives rather than just their own. This self-centredness makes it difficult to genuinely connect with another person.

Today I'd like to share an important belief and perceptual filter a person should develop in order to maintain better human relationships and reduce the anger or anguish in their life.

The first rule to live by is a simple one: Be kinder than necessary to everyone you meet because everyone is fighting a battle of some kind.

Aren't we all warriors in our own lives? There are always battles to be fought, fires to be put out, demons to vanquish, and obstacles to overcome. With all this fighting and struggling going on, we can't expect everyone to be nice all the time. People get tired and frustrated. Thus it is important that you take this into consideration when you interact with others. Know that everyone struggles, everyone has their private pain; every person is simply striving to achieve their dream.

This brings us to a second understanding about human nature: All sentient beings seek to avoid pain and gain pleasure. There is a positive intention behind every behaviour.

Take for example the Sandman in the Spiderman movie. He robbed banks and hurt many people. But his intention was to get enough money to make his critically ill daughter well again. So behind the mask of a criminal... lays the heart of a good father.

Do you know anyone like that? Somebody who's behaviour you found obnoxious, but their underlying motivation turned out to be noble?

At first glance, we can't see the deeper reasons behind a person's surface behaviour. Therefore it's important to withhold our flash judgement of a person's character based on one wrongdoing. The person simply might not know a better way to express or achieve their desire.

Jesus said, "Father forgive them; for they know not what they do."

Normally we feel angry or hurt when we believe people are deliberately out to hurt us. But more often, they are doing something to help themselves, their cause, or those they care for.

There is an old Buddhist story about falling asleep on a wooden fishing boat. There you are, asleep in your boat, floating in the middle of a lake... when suddenly, a violent jolt shocks you from your sleep. You leap up in fury thinking, "Who's this idiot who can't pilot his boat properly? I'm going to give him a piece of my mind!"

Then you realise it's just an empty boat. And suddenly you don't feel angry anymore because nobody was deliberately out to hurt you.

Do you see the root cause here? The source of our anger comes from being self-centred. When we believe that someone wants to manipulate us or take from us, then anger is our way to protect the ego. The people with the biggest egos are the ones who are most easily angered because they believe everyone is out to cheat them or steal their idea. Even if someone takes from you, it is wise to realise that they do it not directly to hurt you... but because they are trying to care for their grandmother, provide for their children; or maybe they suffer from an insatiable desire for luxuries.

When we only know our existence as our physical self (mind and body without spirit), it becomes hard to quantify our success in life. Thus, we adopt a materially focused point of view. We start affixing the ‘my' label to everything in this world. This is my bed, these are my clothes, my friends, my ideas, my world. This compulsion develops into a desire to possess more than others.

To be happy and carefree, you might let go of the need to have more than necessary, you could let go of the need to be better, you should let go of the ego. Everything you have in this life is on loan... you return it when you die.

The funny thing is some people take this approach: where if someone has more than I - a better looking spouse or a sleeker car - then I swear to take them down someday. I make it my personal mission to be better than them. "I'm going to show them what a piece of poop they are!"

When in reality, it's because I feel like a piece of poop myself, thus I have to take a dump on other people's success in order to feel better about where I am now.

So remember this vital lesson of looking beyond surface behaviour to sense the positive intention behind what people do. It will help you shift your perspective to a more objective; egoless point of view. Then you'll find it easier not to blow your top unnecessarily. This will allow you to maintain more harmonious relationships with others, which will aid you in achieving the success you deserve.

Here is your special assignment: Now that you know everyone is on a journey, fighting a battle of some kind, be their guardian and look for ways to help your friends and family succeed. It's a simple matter of noticing what path they are on and seeing if you can give them a lift.

Do this once a day and I guarantee you'll wake up in the morning feeling like there is great meaning and purpose to your life.... When you can look beyond yourself and consider the dreams of others.

Overcoming Loneliness

One of the major complaints I've heard about being alive is the pain of loneliness. In this day and age, many people live isolated lives of quiet desperation.

They go to work in the morning, come back in the evening, heat up a microwave dinner, switch on the TV, stone for two hours, drink some alcohol, maybe surf the Internet, then fall asleep.

In the past, it was not easy for a person to lead an isolated lifestyle. Everything we needed to survive had to come through interaction with other people. For example, buying bread from the baker, and meat from the butcher.

In the past, there were no huge supermarkets where you could do all your grocery shopping in silence; quietly comparing prices by yourself. You had to talk to different people to get what you need.

The increase in convenience has probably increased our separation from others. Do any of you talk to the fellow at the checkout counter? You could complete the entire transaction in silence if you wanted to. Just nod your head, pay your money and carry on.

Thirty years ago, there were no fancy computer games, no Xbox, PlayStation, or the Internet to feed your entertainment needs. If you wanted fun, you would have to play a game with others. Whether it was a table game like Chess or Scrabble, or a physically active one like the Kampong (village) game, chaptek, where players do kicking stunts with a flat rubber shuttlecock.

In your school days, you probably played many such games with your friends during canteen breaks or after school. But as we age, many of us lose touch with this precious joy that comes from group games and sport.

There are good reasons why you should shut off your TV and gather your friends for a game or two. The Church understands this principle well. They call it fellowship. Cell group leaders will take the effort to organise group activities, outings, games, discussions, pot luck dinners and more. Friends can bring new friends — the more the merrier.

In my opinion, they are doing a great job of helping people experience the joy of being together. This is a condition you might want to create in your life. Whether you want to join a fellowship organisation, a special interest group, a book club, a school alumni, or simply call up old friends, every one of us needs to work at reconnecting ourselves with others. Especially when you live in a world designed to convenience you into separation and isolation.

You can be happy with a moderate lifestyle. Many people believe they can only be happy with a lifestyle of the rich and famous. They want to jet-set around the world, have multi-cultural affairs, swim in the opulent blue pools of Miami and such.

Now as fantastic as that sounds, there are many rich people who are experiencing loneliness in life. They think everyone around them is just there for their money and nobody really loves them for who they are. As the old saying goes, 'it gets lonely at the top'.

And these people at the top of the pyramid are experiencing their disconnection from the rest of the world. So you see, the problem is the same. What they want and what we want, is a genuine connection to those around us.

And money cannot buy love... it takes an investment of your time, energy, and emotions, to build trusting relationships.

If you consider that every one of us is a soul animating a physical body, then on a spiritual level, we are all connected because all spirit emanates from the same source — God.

(When I speak of God, I mean so in the universal sense as a higher power and not biased to a particular religious order.)

As children of God, we are here to explore and learn from each other. Thus the magic is hidden in our interaction.

Spending time to know others can help you learn more about yourself.

When you play games with others, you learn the importance of sharing and taking turns; offering others encouragement, complimenting their efforts; building camaraderie and deeper bonds. You sense the joy of giving to others, the joy of competition, and the joy of fellowship that becomes rare in a fast-paced world.

Loneliness and boredom happens when we isolate ourselves; thinking that this is the norm when it is actually an abnormality of the human condition.

So now is the time to experience joie de vivre (joy of life) by reaching out and connecting with others. Rid yourself of those old isolation policies and start trading with other people. You'll find that the magic of living is found in connecting your heart to others around you.

Touch the spirit in every person.